Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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