i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
