and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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