Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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