Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
