Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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