you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
