why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize