I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
