Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
