I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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