Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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