Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
