I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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