On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
