If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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