I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize