happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
