I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
grandma shit on top of the toilet
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize