I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
