I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize