I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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