Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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