john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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