So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just gift wrapped bread.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize