Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Randomize
