Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Randomize
