woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
