You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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