his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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