I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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