I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
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