You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize