Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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