My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
