The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
