My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize