I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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