Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
