Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
