HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize