i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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