insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Hello my rib-scented angel!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
