We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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