if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
