I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
