4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
