hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
