I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
