I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
