I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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