Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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