My Higher Power is John Stamos
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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