I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
