my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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