Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
