when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
