Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i will never coherently bang her
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize