He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
