So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
