the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
