Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
