God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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