I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
