I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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