Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize