Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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